Squadron 1337 Episode #19: Unpaid labour

squadron1337fix

(Scene begins in the middle of Squadron 1268. Webb is leading Lincoln, Johnson, Rose and Higgins across the canyon toward another modern structure on their tour of the area)

Webb: This is the coffee station. (signals to building)

Johnson: No freaking way…you have coffee!?

Higgins: Thank you, Tim Horton!

Webb: Not Tim Hortons, this is locally crafted coffee, made from all-natural…something-or-other.

Rose: You don’t know, do you?

Webb: I’m afraid not.

(Leeroy pops up to the order window)

Leeroy: Hello, how may I serve you today?

Johnson: Leeroy? What are you doing behind the counter?

(Dex pops up next to Leeroy)

Dex: Didn’t you hear? We have a coffee joint!

Higgins: Uh, yep we’ve been made aware of this.

(Webb turns to Reds)

Webb: Yeah, the coffee shack is run by the Blue squad as part of their round-the-clock duties. It’s hard to make a living these days under the UNSC, so when Ruby brought Santos in, he helped build the first ever coffee shack and an adjoining restaurant.

Lincoln: Does the Red team do any of this work?

Webb: We run the restaurant next door.

Johnson: Which is?

(camera pans across slowly to reveal a Teppanyaki restaurant)

Rose: You have got to be kidding me…

Webb: Better watch out. Franklin may say he’s got perfect hand-eye coordination, but the scar on my left eye begs to differ.

Higgins: Jesus…

Johnson: What are you guys complaining about? Japanese cuisine is amazing.

Webb: I can safely say you won’t find traditional Japanese cuisine anywhere else.

Rose: Yeah, I’m not surprised.

Leeroy: Can I interest you in our new mint-chocolate machiatto?

Dex: Or perhaps a delicious raisin bagel with cream cheese?

Lincoln: Hmm…you drive a hard bargain.

Rose (to Lincoln): Do you have any cash on you?

Lincoln: Fuck…

(cut to a P.A. system)

Ruby (via P.A.): Will the soldiers of Squadron 1268 and 1337 please meet at the Watchtower in five minutes? Thank you.

(cut back to front of coffee station)

Lincoln: Can you put the bagel on my tab?

Leeroy: Sorry, no tabs.

Lincoln: Fuck…

(Cut to trench base thousands of miles away. The Green squad have entered the base, as the lights begin to flicker within the old, desolate fortress, revealing vine-covered walls.)

Orion: Duncan, seal the entrance.

Duncan: Why?

Orion: We don’t want to attract any unwanted company.

Digit: Yeah, those vultures looked mean!

Orion: Well, maybe you shouldn’t have screamed ‘nasty women’ at them, they may have avoided pecking your eyes out.

Digit: Trump made me do it!

Orion: Trump didn’t make you do anything.

Digit: He did too!

Orion: Did not!

Digit: Did too!

(Innes leans over to whisper to Duncan)

Innes: Should we say something?

Duncan: Just give it a second.

(back to Orion and Digit)

Orion: Did not!

Digit: Did too!

Orion: Ha! I win.

Digit: Fuck…

(back to Innes and Duncan)

Innes: Did I miss something?

Duncan: Digit gives up when he realizes Orion won’t back down.

Digit (to Innes and Duncan): I DO NOT!

Duncan: You do, too.

Digit: God damn it!

Orion: Okay enough, let’s move!

(Green team enters the next room, where they reach long hallway with a dead end. A spherical construct is protruding from the far wall of the room)

Duncan: Shit…a dead end.

Digit: What now?

Innes: What’s that thing on the wall?

Digit: Looks scary.

Orion: Not sure. Why don’t you take a closer look? We’ll wait back here.

Innes: Wait what? I didn’t volunteer for that.

Duncan: What’s the big deal? It looks harmless.

Innes: Then you can examine it!

Duncan: Fuck that, dude. My insurance expired last week…I ain’t getting killed.

Digit: I forgot to pack a clean pair of underwear…so I’m out.

Innes: Okay ew. Fine.

(Innes walks down the narrow hall toward the spherical construct. The closer he is, the heavier the vibrations from earlier set in)

Innes: Ow!

Orion: What?

Innes: Those pulses are back.

Orion: Maybe that construct is a key? Use your sword.

Innes: Are you kidding? The pulsations were worse when I was holding the sword.

Orion: Don’t be a pussy.

Innes: Says the guy hiding down the hall!

Orion: I’m in good company.

Digit: Oh, I found my clean underwear!

(Orion sighs)

(Meanwhile, Innes reaches down to the sword’s sheath, ready to pull)

Innes: Here goes nothing.

(Innes pulls out the sword, as a mad rush of pulsations jet through Innes’ body. Innes approaches the eye of the construct, raising the sword as if to unlock the construct. Suddenly, the pulses stop, and the construct’s eye begins to glow blue, as the wiring in the sphere lights up in unison)

Construct: G-G-Greetings t-t-traveller. I am the Construct. Gatekeeper of the -REDACTED-. How may I assist you?

Innes: What’s REDACTED?

Construct: I’m sorry, I cannot access that part of my memory. My creators have chosen to erase that file before I was dumped here.

(Orion, Duncan and Digit approach the Construct)

Digit: Can we change its name? Construct is so BO-ring.

Construct: If you wish to change the name of the Construct, you must first present an alien artifact.

Innes: Um? (holds up sword)

Construct: I see you have presented an alien artifact. Thank you. Now, please recite the four-digit passcode.

Innes: Four-digit passcode?

Orion: Yeah dude, like an iPhone. Ever have one of those?

Innes: No, BlackBerry.

Orion: Wow…and you didn’t have a passcode?

Digit (to Construct): 1-2-3-4!

(A beat)

(The soldiers look at each other, then back at the Construct)

Construct: Passcode accepted. What would you like to call me?

Duncan: Okay, let’s be practical about this guys. I see a floating orb. It’s got a singular eye? I’m thinking maybe Cyclops?

Digit: Larry!

Orion: Digit, no!

(A beat)

Larry: Name change accepted. Greetings travellers, my name is Larry. Gatekeeper of the -REDACTED-. How may I assist you?

(Innes chuckles)

Innes: Okay, that’s kind of funny.

Orion: Digit, come on man. Larry?

Larry: Yes, how may I assist you?

Orion: I wasn’t talking to you, Larry.

Larry: My apologizes. I merely responded to the use of my name followed by what sounded like an inflection in your voice that alluded to a question. I assumed you wanted to-

Innes: Actually, I do have a question.

Larry: Yes, how may I assist you?

Innes: Larry, I’ve brought this sword, one of the alien artifacts. Do you…I don’t know…know where the other artifacts may be?

Larry: One moment please.

(A beat)

(Orion whispers to Digit)

Orion: What prompted you to choose the name Larry?

Digit: That was the name of my bus driver.

Duncan: And what about this floating ball reminds you of your bus driver?

Digit: Well…my bus driver had an eye patch…and he spoken very proper English. Very clean cut. Very British individual.

Innes: That is awesome. Truly awesome.

Orion: Digit, you’re an idiot.

Digit: Are not!

Orion: Are too!

Digit: FUCK!

(Larry interrupts)

Larry: My apologies. But I have your answer.

Innes: Yes?

Larry: This construct contains a holographic map with that will guide you to the artifacts…all of them.

Orion: ALL OF THEM?

Larry: Yes. See here.

(The hallway is flooded by an overbearing blue light, as several red dots flicker across the walls of the cavern)

Larry: This map shows the location to every alien artifact in the galaxy. If you would like, I can save this information to an external memory unit for safe transport.

Innes: Yes, actually that’s a great idea. Can you do that?

Larry: Acknowledged. Downloading data to external memory unit. Approximately 10 minutes left.

(Crash is heard off-screen, as the cavern begins to shake)

Orion: Um…I don’t think we have 10 minutes.

Duncan: What was that?

Larry: My sensors indicate UNSC and alien targets.

Orion: Together? How?

(Cuts to the ground level. A large dropship hovers over the opening of the trench, as three Wraith tanks descent into the canyon, followed by several Banshee flyers)

(From the cockpit, Gordon Grady rubs his chin, before reloading his shotgun)

Grady: Time to go hunting.

END OF EPISODE 19

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