Squadron 1337 Episode #3: Shit, Meet the Fan


(scene begins on Squadron 1337 inside Red base)

(Dex walks up to Lincoln)

Dex: Hey Lincoln, can I ask you something?

Lincoln: Sure, what is it?

Dex: Does McCloud find me annoying? Is that why he keeps telling me to get out when we’re in the mission room?

Lincoln: I’m gonna be completely honest with you. Yes, McCloud finds you very, very annoying.

Dex: (sighs in relief) Whew, okay good. I thought maybe it was because he didn’t like the smell of my farts. That’s a relief.

Lincoln: You fart? I haven’t heard any disgusting noises come out of you or anyone’s behind. I would’ve thought all that air would’ve been stored inside your suit.

Dex: Oh, so that’s what that smell is.

Lincoln: Yeah…

(cuts to top of main base, shows overhead view of Rose and Higgins as they split up and head towards the main sniper lookout while Johnny and McCloud head down towards Blue base)

(Rose grabs the sniper)

Higgins: What the hell do we do now?

Rose: I don’t know, maybe fight back. (shoots sniper)

(shows banshee dodge sniper bullet in the air as it begins firing banshee bombs in Rose and Higgins’ direction)

Rose: Duck!

(both soldiers duck as bomb hits wall)

(soldiers stand back up)

Higgins: Well we can’t just stand in here. McCloud is gonna need us to provide some sort of covering fire.

Rose: Idiot, what do you think I’m trying to do?

Higgins: Oh…right…the sniper…

Rose: Yes. Exactly. So why don’t you be a good boy and find another way to distract those ships!?

Higgins: Distract? Well I thought you’d never ask.

(Higgins leaves Rose in lookout point)

(cuts to McCloud and Johnny behind big base)

Johnny: Alright sir, what’s the plan?

McCloud: Rose is providing the covering fire, we need to wait till the others return from Zealot.

Johnny: So what, you wanna pull out some checkers and play a few rounds?

McCloud: No. I say we defend our headquarters. Get out there and fight.

Johnny: Um, okay then…but I still think checkers would be the best non-physical defensive strategy we’ve got.

(Johnny runs out, as a different camera angle sees him running into Higgins)

Johnny: Whoa, hey Higgins! Small base huh? When did you get here?

Higgins: I’m supposed to be helping fight, now c’mon!

Johnny: Um, you might wanna turn around.

(Higgins turns around, as Johnny and Higgins look up at banshee which is seen floating closer to the ground)

(closer up of Johnny and Higgins)

Higgins: Johnny.

Johnny: Yeah?

Higgins: Follow my lead.

(activates hologram, as real Higgins makes a run for the weapons depot, and hologram runs towards banshee, which starts shooting hologram)

Johnny: How am I supposed to follow your lead when I don’t know which Higgins to follow??

(hologram disappears, as banshee moves its attention back to Johnny)

Johnny: Oh crap. (starts backing away slowly)

(Higgins runs up behind banshee, jumping and shooting a rocket launcher, bringing it down)

Higgins: Boo yeah! Take that, big purple ship thingy.

Johnny: I’m just going to go empty my bowels now. Don’t wait up for me.

(cuts to sky above Squadron 1337, as blue falcon ship driven by Innes is seen returning, and Johnson and Leeroy are seen shooting turrets, eventually bringing down the second banshee. Third banshee not to be seen)

(falcon lands on blue landing bay, as Innes lets off Leeroy and Johnson)

Innes: Guys cover me, I’m going to distract that third banshee.

Leeroy: But you don’t have any guns in the cockpit, what will you do?

Innes: Don’t worry guys, I got this. (flies back into the air)

Leeroy: I guess we’ll just have to trust him.

Johnson: Trust him, ha, that’s funny.

Leeroy: (agrees with Johnson) I know, right?

(two soldiers run away from landing bay)

(shows Innes in the air)

Innes: Hey! Fuckfaces! I’ve got your number right here, and it says…(pauses to read) well its very complicated, but its definitely a number. Its got like…27 different digits, if that’s what you call digits.

(radio transmission comes in)

McCloud (on radio): Innes, this is McCloud. Watch out, they’re dropping a tank.

(cuts to ground, where a Wraith tank is dropped, and an alien soldier follows behind, getting into cockpit, turning its attention to Innes in the sky)

Innes: Thanks McCloud.

(transmission ends)

Innes: Hey, you big tank guy! Yeah I’m talking to you down there!

Leeroy (on radio): Innes, get down here, you’re gonna get yourself killed.

Innes: Leeroy, I told you, I got this. Get off my back already.

Leeroy (on radio): Its seriously not safe, come down now!

Innes: Will you just shut up!?

(tank fires a shot, which flies high in the air, striking Innes’ falcon, bringing it down out of the sky)

(cuts to ground shot: Johnny and Higgins are outside Red base, as they see the plane fall out of the sky over the edge of the mountain)

Johnny: Holy crap!

(Lincoln and Dex walk outside)

Lincoln: What’s going on?

Higgins: That tank just shot down Innes.

Dex: Innes…is dead?

Johnny: I’m so sorry, buddy. I-I don’t know what to say.

(camera slowly zooms in to Dex, as something inside him tweaks, and he runs towards the weapons depot)

Lincoln: Son, wait!

Higgins: What the hell is he doing?

(shows Dex run towards armor abilities, picking up the sprint ability)

(Dex runs back out, squaring up with the tank, and charges full sprint at the tank)

(cuts to Rose in sniper lookout, McCloud, Leeroy and Johnson have joined her)

Rose: What the hell is that kid doing?

Leeroy: I’ll tell you what he’s doing, he stole my fucking armor ability!

(cuts back to Dex, in action shot as he continues his charge at the tank. He mounts the back end, and continually punches the tank until it explodes)

(cuts to sky)

(last banshee flyer seen in sky, turning around and retreating)

(cuts back down to lookout)

Johnson: Yeah, you’d better run! Go home and cry. 1337. Woot Woot Woot Woot!

McCloud: Stop it.

(fades to black, as seen fades back in at cliff edge)

(remaining Blue Team seen looking out over cliff edge)

(McCloud walks up behind them)

McCloud: I’m really sorry about your loss guys.

Leeroy: No problem, sir.

Dex: There’s gotta be a chance…he can’t be dead. He just can’t.

McCloud: No one could’ve survived an explosion like that, and even if he did, he wouldn’t have been able to evacuate the burning, crashing aircraft in time to be able to eject himself safely. And if by some rare coincidence, he did eject himself, he would’ve had to swim half a mile to the closest sea shore on one of those islands out there, in that bulky armor of his. And if by chance-

Leeroy: That’s okay, I think we get it.

Johnny: Still, it always helps to keep believing, right?

Leeroy: Not really, I gave up hope on Innes long ago.

Dex: How could you say that? He was our leader. Our friend.

Leeroy: Yes, our leader, not my friend. Guy’s an asshole. He tried to unload a round into my spleen while I was sleeping just the other day. He was all like, I saw this on TV once, bullet will just go right through and not burst anything, I promise. Heh, promise, my ass.

McCloud: Well, I gotta get back and de-brief the Reds on their next mission. I’m allowing you guys some time off, to pick up the pieces. Until then, Leeroy, I’m appointing you acting Blue team leader, until we get the confirmed reports of Innes’ status.

Leeroy: Really? Why don’t we just sign him off as K.I.A. and go out for a coffee, huh?

(cuts to wide shot of Squadron 1337)

McCloud: Yeah, uh no.

(cuts to black)

Leeroy: Damn it.

(cuts to rolling end credits)

(scene re-opens after credits inside a nearby cave)

(crashed falcon ship is seen)

(close-up, as Innes stands up in view)

Innes: Uh man, my head’s killing me. Hey, what’s this?

(shows energy sword on ground)

Innes: Wicked cool. Shiny object. Mine.

(Innes turns to see an approaching Wraith stop at entrance of cave)

Innes: Uh oh.

(turns and grabs energy sword, as Innes is seen bringing out sword, with Wraith in the background slowly approaching Innes)

Innes: This is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me. Come on, big guy.

(Innes starts running towards Wraith, as Wraith begins driving forward towards Innes)

(cuts quickly to black)

(end of Episode 3)


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